be silent. be still.

i should be forcing myself to sleep. had barely 4 hours last night. nothing very specific in my mind. but i guess the looming event in my life is taking its toll. just when everything should've been right on schedule, unplanned circumstances just pop out. timing is key, i should say. i could stay up all night again, but can i really decide? darn! i feel so unprincipled, weak, fickle-minded! so far, 2 of my 3 consideration points were being "discussed". i'll know in a couple of hours. gahh, here i am, beating the clock again! pati ba naman sa resignation, me pressure?! i feel like im flying 2 equally built kites. i can't hold on to both. i have to let go of one. it's just convenient to have a lot of options, but when they turn you gaga, it's no good.

it feels to good to be needed. to be cited as an asset to the company. but you gotta stop and give room for doubts. all sweet nothings, and eventually, when they've gotten you back in their wings, nothing has changed. aiyahh! i should know my priorities. im just too scared to have no work before quitting. ano ba talaga??! i was talking to the top management people and i felt humbled to be contacted by them.. lil old me. after the chitchat, i felt good and said to myself, maybe i can try the position. and now, writing this entry, imagining my life in pinas.. im beginning to be swayed to just move back. to the left, to the right. which way ar?!

i need a moment of prayer. of silence. of respite. of sleep. it's calling me. hush hush.

work. work. work

thank God it's finally weekend.  time to bum around!  suffice to say, i was a little stressed with meetings, project launch and some misunderstanding with the big boss.  the latest had me most tired and dazed.  it was morning and im in our head office for a meeting.  just as i got in the meeting room, my immediate boss handed me the phone with big boss on the other line.  he lashed out "where are you?" and i answered i'll be in a meeting in a few minutes.  he asked me the status of a project, and he was expecting me to be in our data center for another meeting.  we talked the night before, told me about meeting to decide the direction for the project.  i didnt realize that it will have to be FIRST thing in the morning to discuss with the related parties.  i only have one hour meeting and i'll be back.  guess i didnt realize the urgency.  coz i was thinking, i can work from head office, call our vendors and handle it accordingly.  i told this to him.  so we were on the phone, and he's asking me what to do next.  i told him that i will call some people first, investigate the problem further and report to him our action plan.  i cannot just decide and tell him what went wrong without going to the root of it.  after what seem to be endless calls between developers and users, i called him and told him that by 10:30am the system would be up and running either by fixing the problem or doing rollback.  to make the story shorter... it did resume to normal.  

return to data center

it seems there was a scene that morning.. that big boss was looking for me.. disappointed why i was nowhere to be found.  my colleague even said that he sat in my area and threw a pen on my desk.  huwatt?!?!?!  he missed me THAT much?  i was relieved that i didnt have to witness this first hand, if this is even true. hahaha  it's good that im kinda used to him when he's frustrated with something.  i will just post my most stoic face and answer back in honesty about the status of the problem and the resolution.  i guess he's also being pressured that's why he's just gotta share it with others. hehehe  what i learned about this job also is that, since we're on the system side, we'll never really know the gravity of the problem of a user unless we're in their situation.  say, a customer inquiry screen is hanging, in the middle of dealing with a customer, or a loan application is missing when a client is asking for the status... geez! too bad for front staff... worse for system people, i guess.  i try to do multitasking, but sometimes it just fails as you lose focus on other tasks at hand.  

april 1

first... a shoutout to my cousin across the seas... 

H A P P Y   B I R T H D A Y   R O N A !!!  *power hugs*

not fooling around with that. hehehe  hmm... so, what's up with today?  hang on.. another 'uninteresting' story ahead.  went to work a little early to check on our project deployment.  seems ok... but of course, we wouldn't know UNTIL transactions come in and we're really live.  i'm constantly on the lookout for issues from users via email, phone call.  questions from peers about this and that.  it's kinda exhausting even sitting down at my desk.   1 incident left hanging and we have to decide on it the next day - to rollback or not..   (i hope not)  

gloomy day @ work

and so it's done.  3 people from our division were let go by the company.  it's sudden because they were only told this afternoon that it's their last day.  so, off they went and left with their own stuff.  one of them is a pinoy colleague.  i didnt know what to say to him or how to approach him.  after he was told about the news, he fixed up his things and  there was our boss by his side to get his IDs and keys.  guess i was shaken by the turn of events.  i felt guilty in a way because i've known this will happen.  everyone in our dept knew except him.  i didnt breathe a word to him.  firstly, because i'm not so close to him, plus the fact that my boss told me not to.  so, scout's honor la.  he has his family here - his wife, his son.  i didnt even see his face when he came back to his desk.  no goodbyes, etc.  i can just see him from my peripheral view and didn't offer any support.  argh, how good is that?  i didnt want to show pity as i wouldn't want the same if im in his position.  i believe he'll be fine... eventually, recover from the drastic events.  

honestly, i felt sad yet relieved that it was not me.. yet.  i don't wanna leave the company in that way.  i will go in my own time, my own terms.  i told my brother that if that happened to me, he should come and pick me up here. hahaha  for whatever it's worth, i know that this crisis is hitting closer to home.  gotta pick up the pace even more.

must.not.be.late

9:02am.... and obviously, im soooo late! sadly, it's my 2nd time in our 30-day work period.  9:04am was my other login time.  it's more strict now with our company, as there will be a warning letter if you have 3 lates.  arghhh i CANT, SHOULDNT, MUSTNT be late!!! i dont wanna be lax in dealing with this attendance thing coz i dont want it to be used against me in any form.  im not pretending to have a squeaky clean timecard .. but hey, strike-3-you're-out is not a nice idea.  so now, i will remember to heed my alarm and wake up.. no more SNOOZING, ayt?!?! 

this is gonna be a busy week at work. i have several meetings and 1 project launch which requires overnight job. for the meetings, i would meet up with users in our head office in world trade center in causeway bay. i seldom go here unless needed coz this is a crowded area and it makes a little dizzy just watching all those people moreover, squeezing myself in. i like going there also because after the meeting, i can get in touch with the city and go window shopping! haha

the overnight project launch is so because the application needs to be deployed in the ATMs. in this case, we need to port at an off-peak hour. say, around 1am onwards to minimize impact to our customers. just looking at how my schedule will be this week, is enough to tire me. hope i'm always in the proper mindset to make decisions and sound judgment. yaiks! gotta pack my energy drink - MILO! hahaha