money matters

i feel agitated everytime i end my conversation with my mom. maybe coz our topic always centers on money. recently mama is borrowing money for my aunts and uncles and mamuy to help them rebuild the home in manila. i'd like to help but with the amount mama is asking from me, i dont think i can. the amount is kinda wayyyy over my budget, my savings even. even if i have that kind of money, it means il be starting from zero. i would have wanted to settle back home in the next months, years but if i'll be lending it, guess i'll have to stay here and save up. i asked mama, "ma, ayaw nyo yata ako pauwiin eh". musings of someone feeling anxious to go home.

i told her that i would like to go back already and i hoped to be self-reliant - not depending on them for anything. but with that, im going to be broke. every little cent il be spending, i would be asking from her. mama said "ampunin kita, pahiramin mo lang kami ng pera". eh? "di ba anak mo naman talaga ako?" hahaha

i havent said yes yet. still thinking about it. or if how much i can contribute. i feel guilty because somehow i feel that i dont have a reasonable excuse not to. buti sana if i have my own family to take care of, or a wedding to plan, an MBA education to support or any responsibility that requires financial stability.

you see, the house is already old and is basically made of wood that's already infested with termites. after consultation, they feared that a strong wind or some other force of nature might just bring it down. i want to help. but what about me? yeah, selfish me. i never forgot what my HS teacher used to say when she would ask us to donate for charity... "give until it hurts, until it hurts no more". it will damn hurt .. my pocket mostly.

till now, im still pondering how i can help. i just hope they will respect my decision and that all of us are happy whatever that may be.